Tales I'd never Tell
by lindahoyland
Summary: A collection of short pieces mostly written for LJ Challenges, which are not the sort of thing I usually write. They are all one offs meant to be taken with a large pinch of salt.
1. The Scream

_With apologies to both Tolkien and Richmal Crompton_

**The Scream.**

One day out walking with Eldarion, Aragorn was surprised to come across a strangely dressed little girl with blonde curls.

"Would you like to play?" Eldarion asked.

"Go away, nasthy rude boy!" lisped the girl. "I'm Violet Elizabeth Bott and my Daddy is very important. He makes Bott's Digestive Sauce."

"What is that?" asked a puzzled Aragorn.

"You nasthy man. I'll thream and I'll thream and I'll thream till I'm thick!" said the little girl opening her mouth and emitting a piercing wail.

"And I, young lady, am the King!" Aragorn said sternly.

Violet Elizabeth was finally stunned into silence.


	2. Beloved Hero A man and his tree

**Beloved Hero; A man and his tree**

_With apologies to the Tolkien Estate, the owner of these characters._

The tree saw the man approach. It was love; or rather infatuation at first sight.

The fact that he was pierced with arrows only made him more appealing in its bark-shrouded eyes.

Overcome, the man collapsed. The tree moved forward to support him and caress him with its tender green branches. It shed its leaves to provide a soft bed for him to lie upon.

One of man's companions approached and knelt at his side. Jealously, the tree dropped twigs upon him, but he heeded them not.

The wounded hero breathed his last. The tree wept bitter tears of sap.


	3. When the cat's away

**When the Cat's Away ******

_(Apologies to Tolkien who owns these characters.) ___

_For Pam _

"Our wives will be away for several days," said Aragorn.

"How we shall miss them!" groaned Faramir.

"We could always go and have an adventure," Aragorn suggested. "After all it is your turn to get hurt and mine to heal you!"

"No, it isn't!" protested Faramir. I know I love your Elven treatments, ada, but why do I always get injured?"

"Because hard though you try, ion nîn, you are not a great healer like me!"

"I cannot see why I should suffer so much," Faramir retorted.

"Do not blame me, ion nîn," said Aragorn. "Blame a certain lady writer!"


	4. The Mice will Play

_**The Mice Will Play**_

_With apologies to Tolkien who created these characters. __  
_  
"What a lovely peaceful fortnight we have had," said Faramir. "I can scare believe that neither of us has been injured, our clothes have stayed on, our wives have not scolded us, and the guards have been competent in their duties."

"Yes, life has been exactly as it should for a King, " said Aragorn. "No rebels have tried to usurp my throne, no curses have been heaped upon me, nor I have I been called upon to perform healings that drain all the strength from me, Maybe our fortunes are looking up at long last!"

"Do not be too certain of that," said Arwen entering from the garden at that moment. "It is because a certain lady writer has been watching the Winter Games."

"Oh that sounds fun!" Faramir said hopefully. "Perhaps she will let us have another snowball fight? I did enjoy the last one, even though I doubt that a King and a Steward really could play snowballs with the children without causing something of a scandal."

"I do not think that they are that sort of games," said Arwen. "The contestants hurl themselves off icy mountains at high speed!"

"Oh," Faramir said mournfully. "I don't think I like the sound of that. Maybe you could try it, Aragorn? You have a better head for heights."

"Gladly would I suffer in your stead, ion nîn, said Aragorn, " but if a certain lady writer has anything to do with it," said Aragorn, "you will have to be the one to slide down the mountain and get badly hurt, as I know how to heal you."

"Oh," said Faramir, his grey eyes looking forlornly at his friend. "Perhaps it will be a long time though before she hurts us again, though. Winter Games must be held far away in the North and it will take the writer a while to return."

"She watched the Games though a kind of palantír," said Arwen, "So you can expect her back any moment."

"No!" cried Faramir. "Let us flee, mellon nîn!"

"Stay close by my side," Arwen counselled. "She will not hurt Éowyn nor lay a finger on me!"

A baby's pitiful cry was heard just then from the next room. "The baby is hungry," said Arwen. "I must feed her."

"I will take a walk in the garden then," said Faramir. "It would be most improper for me to remain here."

"I will come with you," said Aragorn. "I feel like some fresh air."

The two men strolled round the garden admiring the beautifully tended flowerbeds. Suddenly they heard a commotion as a band of rebels appeared, quickly overpowering the hapless guards.

"Fight for your life!" cried Faramir.

"Alas, I left Andúril inside," Aragorn lamented.

"And my sword is being sharpened at the armourers!" Faramir lamented. "Alas, how our wives will scold us if we escape with our lives from this peril!"

The rebels seized them and led them away.

Arwen thrust the baby into the arms of the nursemaid and hurried outside to investigate.

"Some rebels have taken the King and the Steward!" moaned a Guard as he unsteadily rose to his feet, rubbing his head.

"A certain lady writer is back," Arwen sighed.


	5. Meet Mary Sue

**Meet Mary Sue!**

_With apologies to Tolkien who created most of these characters._

"Who will take the Ring?" asked Elrond.

Frodo was about to reluctantly come forward, but was beaten by a beautiful Elleth, who was quite unlike anyone he had seen before. Her hair was of spun gold and her eyes were like radiant sapphires. "I will take it, " she said. Even as she spoke, she cast a longing glance towards Legolas. "That is, I will take it, if Legolas comes too."

"Why thank you, Glorianna, daughter of Glorfindel," said Elrond. "Your courage is an inspiration to us all. But tell me pray, why must Legolas accompany you? Would not Aragorn, son of Arathorn prove a worthier companion?"

Aragorn looked as if he were about to faint.

"I was hoping Legolas would show me his arrows," said Glorianna, shooting the Elf a meaningful glance. "Um, that is I mean, we could share a few tips for keeping our hair nice on the journey too."

"Then it is settled," said Elrond. "Glorianna will take the Ring to Mordor."

"I have one other condition," said Glorianna. "If I succeed, which I'm sure I shall as I'm good at everything I try, Legolas must marry me!" She strode over to the Wood Elf and kissed him on the lips.

"Never!" said Legolas. "If she is coming, I shall remain behind!"

"So shall I!" snapped Glorianna.

"It seems we need another volunteer," said Elrond.

Frodo stepped forward.


	6. All the Answers

**All the Answers**

_**The guests on the chat show were all created by Tolkien.**_

"Welcome to "All the Answers" Middle-earth's premier chat show, where you, the reader send in your questions and our illustrious guests answer them. I'm your host, Linda the scribe."

"First in the spotlight is the King himself, Aragorn Elessar. Welcome, Aragorn and please take a seat."

"Only my friends call me Aragorn. You can call me Lord Aragorn, Lord Elessar, my lord, or sire."

"You have too many names, so I'll stick with calling you Aragorn. Aragorn, Mistress Dreamflower desires me to ask you, _Aragorn, whatever were you thinking when you banned men from the Shire?_"

"The Shire had been overrun by evil men during the Ring War. I felt it necessary to protect the Hobbits."

"But Hobbits aren't nervous children. They drove out the evil men on their own.

"The Rangers have always protected the Hobbits. It is the King's duty to do so, all the more so now that I usually dwell in Gondor. Someone might exploit them if I do not

"Did you ask the advice of the Mayor and the Thane before passing such an absurd decree."

"I cannot recall, but they are my friends and trust my judgement."

"We'll move on to the next question. Mistress Shirebound asks, _Aragorn, where do you and your Rangers get your boots? They must be very sturdy and comfortable. Do you wear socks or hose? How difficult was it to remain hidden while helping guard the Shire?"_

"Every Ranger village has its own cobbler who is skilled in boot making, but most of my boots were made at Rivendell by the Elves who are the most experienced and skilful folk in Middle-earth. I always wear socks; they are much easier to change than hose when they get sweaty. Sometimes it was difficult to remain hidden while guarding the Shire, but most of the time it was easy enough as the Hobbits were too preoccupied with their own affairs to notice the discreet guard upon their lands.

"Thank you, Aragorn. We'll move on to your final question now. Mistress Erulisse asks you, _Aragorn, in the middle of hiding from enemies, you and Gandalf have a habit of reaching for your pipe. What in the world made you think that the orcs, etc, wouldn't be able to smell pipeweed when the scent is so pungent and lingering?_

"In retrospect I realise it was a foolish thing to do. We were fortunate, as the Enemy knew nothing of pipeweed to realise the odour signalled our presence. I would like to note for the record that since I married the fair Evenstar I have not touched pipeweed as she believes it a most unhealthy habit and cannot abide the smell.

"Thank you, Aragorn. And now we move on to our next guest, Queen Arwen Evenstar. Please take a seat next to your husband, Arwen, Mistress Dreamflower asks _you Arwen. tell me of how you made the standard- what materials you used, what methods, how long it took you..._

"The standard was made of materials known only to the Elves, of a cloth similar to your velvet but far more hard wearing and long lasting. I embroidered it with mithril thread and precious gems and pronounced many incantations that the Powers would protect my beloved while I worked, which became part of the fabric of the banner. I worked on it secretly for forty years all the while dreaming that we would one day be wed."

000

Welcome back after the refreshment break to "All the Answers", the only and best chat show in Middle-earth. I'm your hostess, Scribe Linda. We are honoured to have as next guests The Lord Faramir, Steward of Gondor, and Prince of Ithilien and his wife Lady Éowyn. Please take a seat next to your lady, Faramir.

"Only my friends call me Faramir. You can call me my lord or Lord Steward or Lord Faramir."

"Don't be so stuck up, Faramir. I can't remember all these titles. Now, Faramir, Mistress Shirebound asks _Faramir, whose house did Gandalf and the hobbits live in, in Minas Tirith. Were there guesthouses? You certainly got everything organized quickly._

"My father owned several good properties in the city and after his um, unfortunate demise, his property passed to me. The King asked me to find a fair house for his friends to dwell in and I endeavour to serve him as efficiently as I can. There are guesthouses in the city, now we are at peace, but I felt the king's friends to whom we owe so much deserved better.

"Thank you, Faramir. The next question comes from Mistress Dreamflower. _Faramir,__describe__your__meeting__with__Frodo__and__Sam,__and__to__tell__me__you__thoughts__of__them__when__you__first__saw__them?_

"I was puzzled by them at first as I had never seen Halflings before. It were as if an old tale had come to life before my eyes. Yet, there was something about them that drew me to them, their great loyalty to one another, and their great courage. I sensed their hearts were honourable and true and decided to help them."

"The last question for you, Faramir, comes from Mistress Marta. She asks_;__Faramir__as__you__had__an,__err,__rather__tumultuous__relationship__with__your__own__father,__what__was__you__most__worried__about__when__you__became__a__dad__for__the__first__time?_

"I do not talk about my father to any save those most close to me, but I will tell you that I was determined not to repeat his mistakes and love all my children equally. I was pleased, though that my firstborn was a girl as little girls were a completely new and most wondrous experience to me. When Elboron arrived, I took great care that she did not feel neglected and that he was surrounded with love too. I intend to bring up my children firmly but fairly and encourage them to follow the path that their hearts desire. My son can be either a soldier or a scholar and my daughter shall marry whom she chooses, or no man at all.

"Thank you, Faramir. Now I have some questions for your wife, but you are welcome to stay and enjoy the rest of the show. Mistress Dreamflower asks, _Éowyn,__tell__me__about__the__differences__in__your__life__from__Rohan__to__Minas__Tirith__and__Ithilien._

"I was eager to leave Rohan as it had become like a cage to me under Wormtongue's influence, but when I lived in Minas Tirith I feared I had exchanged one cage for another. The woman of Rohan have considerable freedom and are accustomed to managing our menfolk's affairs while they are away. We also have our horses. In Minas Tirith, the horses were stabled out of sight and the high born women treated like ornaments. There were times when I felt like returning home! When my husband and I moved to Ithilien, though, I found true happiness. I was mistress of all I surveyed and could ride through the fields and woods whenever I pleased. I am truly happy raising my children, studying the healing arts and breeding horses."

"Mistress Wiseheart has a final question for you_;__Éowyn,__would__you__have__married__Boromir,__had__it__come__to__an__arranged__marriage__between__Gondor__and__Rohan?_

"Before Wormtongue pressed his unwelcome attentions upon me, I would have said no. I heartily disliked the man. He was much too full of himself and it was rumoured that he had not kept himself chaste for marriage. However, if I were forced to choose between marrying Wormtongue, or marrying Boromir; Boromir would have been the lesser evil of the two."

"And now to show that Middle-earth Answers has a policy of diversity and non-discrimination, we are delighted to welcome Ambassador Tahir and his lovely wife all the way from Harad."

"We make our home in Gondor now, esteemed Scribe Linda"

" Mistress Ellynn wants to know _who__are__your__best__friends__in__Gondor__and__what__do__you__think__about__them?__"_

"The esteemed Lord Faramir is dear as a brother to me. May he always dwell by an oasis! He took the trouble to learn the tongue of Harad to greet me and saw that I was treated well when my accursed dogs of fellow countrymen plotted against esteemed Lord Aragorn. We share many interests, enjoy a game of chess and both fervently desire peace. Esteemed Lord Aragorn is another good friend and often invites my lady and I to dine. They are both as my brothers and I have shared the Hamam with them both. They are the best of men, noble and honourable with hearts like pure water from a desert spring."

"And who are your friends, Adiva?"

"The most esteemed Lady Arwen is very dear to me, may the sun's rays never burn her! She took me under her protection when my dear Tahir was under suspicion and as treated me as kindly a sister. Our children often play together. She is fair as the stars and filled with wisdom and sweetness. I love esteemed Lady Éowyn too and we enjoy riding together and talking about horses. Another dear friend is Dame Ivorwen from the Houses, who has delivered my babies born in Gondor. I fear she finds our customs strange, but she is ever willing to visit my humble home and share tea and cakes with me."

And now our final guest for today is the Witch King of Agmar. Would my other guests please remain seated and put your swords away. We have supplies of athelas on hand if needed under the health and safety regulations. Witch king, Mistress Deepseasiren has a question for you _So__dude,__do__you__regret__becoming__one__of__the__Ringwraiths__by__taking__the__ring__to__begin__with?"__:)_

"The Ring is precious. What can compare with the Ring? The Ring is all, there was nothing before the Ring, there is nothing but the Ring. What are regrets? I have forgotten. I know only the Ring. Precious, precious Ring!"

_A/n A big thank you to everyone who asked the questions.  
This concludes the Me-chat show. If you would like further instalments, simply ask some questions!_

The answers are based on Tolkien's books and the sub universe I have created for my stories.


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